i need to grow up

i am nonreligious, never am never will be. reason? then the last person came to my door and preached me about the pain ans suffering caused by my disbelieve of god, i didnt think much of it. but now, this happened to my family, this stupid horrible thing that caused my whole family such sadness. i question, what the fuck is the use of a god. i feel like screaming, punching, shouting at this bearded man if he made this happen. Why, we dont cheat the law, we help those around us for fk sake i even help the homeless and random strangers on the street. you meant to tell me all that fking actions are nothing? i have never seen my dad so sad, there are sometimes even i couldnt contain the tears. WHY WHY WHY. but right i know its not the time for tears, i have to hold it back, i need to put on a mask of happiness, i cannot let my parents down, i will not, i cannot. the little courage i have left, please, please help me make through this. even if it means that i will loose sleep, my youth, my life.

i am not strong. the only thing that stops me from breaks down on the street is my rationality. i need to get stronger, i need to grow up